I went to the Yom Kippur morning service this past weekend, and also attended a Youth Education Committee (YEC) meeting for the Sunday School. My take away emotions are mixed. I feel very fortunate to belong to a wonderful congregational community led by Rabbi Adam. I'm also grateful that I can still be involved by being a member of the YEC. But I'm also reminded of difficulties I now deal with.
Before the Yom Kippur Service started, I went into the Fellowship Hall to have my snack, where there were a number of choir members waiting, and socializing. It's a very good group of volunteer singers I used to be a part of and I'm glad my daughters participate. I'm sad that I can no longer sing in the choir. Standing to perform, reading music while also looking at the director and dealing with the whole sensory experience of singing would, I know, be too much for me on top of the service. So I enjoy the music from the audience. An audience is, after all, necessary for performers. While I ate my snack, a few people came up and spoke briefly with me. One friend commented that she's been learning from my posts. That she's taking the time to read what I write, and that she's learning makes me feel very good. All of the interactions I have with other congregants, whether it's a conversation or just a greeting, help to make me feel connected. This is important for everyone, but I particularly value this since my social life is limited.
The sanctuary where the service is held is a lovely space, but it is a large space. I always feel a bit overwhelmed when I first go in. There's a different feeling to it when it is filled with people, or when it's a smaller service. Either way, I take it in, and get my bearings. I listened to the music, and enjoyed watching my daughters. Cara, having sung the previous year, was able to participate for Yom Kippur and looked happy to be with the choir. Her sister Leena looked happy as well, and I feel good that this is a piece of Kol Hadash that my daughters can be a part of, even though I am now in the audience. Ellen, her first year replacing Sarah, did a wonderful job pulling them together. I was sad to hear from Ron when he got home from the afternoon service that I had missed Sarah keeping up the tradition of singing the Memorial Service with Ellen. Hopefully I'll have the chance to hear Sarah some other time this year.
I find the services, including listening to Rabbi Adam, meaningful. It's a lot of thinking, which is good, but also a lot to process, so I felt mentally tired by the end, but I enjoyed it. After the service I greeted a few people before we left. We know a good number of people in the congregation, as we have been members nearly as long as Kol Hadash has been around, having joined only one year after other members founded the congregation. This is the 10th year that Rabbi Adam has been with us, and I'm grateful that I'll be able to attend the special Shabbat on October 10th. I checked that there wouldn't be any elements to the service that would be too much for me. 
I thought a lot about the planning I need to do to be involved, when I was at the YEC meeting on Sunday. I've been on the committee for a long time, and I'm grateful that it's something in which I can still participate. I'm one of two alum on the committee and my daughters are both aides this year, so I want to be a voting member, and was encouraged by the Sunday School Director, Dawn, as well as one of the co-chairs, Rachel to stay on the committee. So I did. Sometimes absorbing the info throughout a meeting, especially if I want to speak up about something, actually feel I'm contributing, can be a challenge, but I do my best. I'm working harder, expending more effort than I used to have to, in a variety of ways. This is a pretty common problem for people with vestibular disorders, so I know I'm not alone in this, but it can get pretty frustrating. But I think that making myself think is still good for me in the long run.
Sometimes being at YEC meetings leaves me with mixed emotions. There's discussion about programs I no longer participate in, because my daughters have aged out, and like any parent I have mixed feelings about that. There's also discussion about social stuff, events or activities which often present challenges for me. It's frustrating, and realistically there are events that simply don't work for me, but then I have to ask myself "is there a way for me to do this, to participate?" I usually don't know the answer right away. And inevitably I can't participate in everything I'd like to, and I feel sadness about that. However, in the end, I still feel like being on the committee is better than if I'd stopped. Many things I do are a mixed bag for me now, but that means that there is good, as well as something that reminds me of what I can't do now, or what is difficult for me. In order to keep working with and through my problems, I believe I have to keep doing, and dealing with the challenges, in order to also have the good.