I've had a couple of private exchanges with friends about Robin Williams, and seen a lot of really thoughtful posts - it's great that people are trying to keep the conversation going. 
One friend said that he couldn't understand the act itself, but that he hasn't walked in other people's shoes and doesn't know their stories. I wish more people could have this attitude, admit to not understanding the act, but also to not knowing what it's like. Just like a headache isn't the same thing as a migraine, and feeling occasionally dizzy isn't the same as having a vestibular condition, feeling even very down or anxious is NOT the same thing as mental illness.
I've never been with someone who was suicidal, but I have been with someone who was in the grip of mental illness. What I know is this: it's difficult to describe how someone's thinking is affected by mental illness, but it IS. I suspect the world looks, feels, is just totally different. Situational anxiety or depression are certainly real - I've experienced both myself - and can contribute to a clinical anxiety or depression, but they are NOT the same thing. Clinical anxiety and depression are illnesses - not contagious like a cold, but nevertheless illnesses. And for those who haven't experienced it, we can't presume to know what it's like. But we need to talk about it, so people who suffer will reach out for the help they need, instead of feeling shame, and hiding.

I'm heartened that even though Robin Williams lost his battle with depression and alcoholism, there's been so much discussion about suicide. That's certainly good - and most though not all of the discussions have been good.
I was thinking about this this morning as I was thinking about Joyce (Feldenkrais) and Dr. Glad (psychologist) being away (3 and 2 weeks respectively) at the same time. This is the first time since I got sick that two of the professionals who make up my support system won't be available. I know that they need to recharge, and do their jobs better if they do. But I still don't like it. 
Joyce and Dr. Glad are both important to me, and I don't like thinking of neither of them being available. It's unnerving. I don't like feeling vulnerable - I guess no one does - and their absence makes me feel unsettled, scared. I'm not saying it makes me feel suicidal, but rather uncomfortable, anxious. So I told myself "you have to dial it back a bit," and I also told myself I need to reach out. 
I also told myself when I was playing my flute today, that I need to make sure to keep expressing myself through, and listening to music. There's so much solace and comfort in music. And sometimes, it just makes me happy.

What an outpouring of memories and grief over the news of Robin Williams - when I first saw the headline I didn't believe it. A man who brought laughter, joy and heart to so many, yet was in so much pain that he couldn't tolerate it is hard to think about. I wonder if he was thinking at all clearly when he died, if he had any inkling of how people would react to the news.
There's been a lot of commentary - much of it good - about suicide - and I found myself remembering in the recesses of my brain many years ago when I volunteered for a crisis hotline. This was in the 80's when so much of the counseling world had changed but was still I think in its' infancy. There was so much less known about depression or any other mental illness, as just that - an illness. There was training, but I mostly remember being told to keep callers on the line. I think there was a script, but I don't remember it.
I was scared I would actually get a caller - even though I had volunteered, fundamentally I wondered how I could possibly keep someone from taking their own life. But what I understand better now than I did then is that anyone who calls has taken the first step to not killing themselves - they've reached out. And listening was the most important thing I could do. And I'm thinking now that people who need help need someone, anyone. If you think someone is in trouble, you should reach out...because waiting for them might be waiting a little bit too long.