January 6th, 2019 neurological change - it IS possible

Real, lasting neurological change (a brooaad category - I mean, we're talking about your brain, nervous systems) is really hard ...

March 9th, 2019 6 things to remember

looking back at what I've written recently, there are some things that stand out -

1) in order to feel hopeful, you have to have a plan, & having a plan means having not only the perseverance to carry it out, but also the right team of professionals, & the financial resources.  I feel for those were not in this position.

2) I need to be honest with myself, but being realistic doesn't mean that a negative outcome is a given.  Especially if I learn along the way - learning means growth.

3) Gather info, think things thru, & be open to opportunity.  Let myself sit with information when I need to, but try not to get in my own way.
4) I am not a static thing - I'm a human being, which means what I can do today may change in the future - one day to the next, one week to the next, etc.- try to do the best you/I can.

5) keep communication open, not just between myself and my professional, but between the professionals themselves. I feel very fortunate to be working with my medical professionals.  It's important that I'm able to ask questions - for those reading this, if someone you're working with isn't open to questions, if at all possible, go elsewhere.

6) don't focus so much on where I'm going, on making progress, to the point that I can't enjoy where I am right now.  

The picture that goes with this post is of Molly - a pet of ours who puts a smile on my face every day.
Photo credit - Leena


March 2nd, 2019 More progress means hard work

I realized I'm minimizing how important it is that my eyes are now converging - my negative thinking still kicks in... it's frustrating that building endurance is a process - not something I think I'd really thought about, and yet it makes sense - learning a new skill is important, but building endurance so I can pull it out of my tool bag whenever I need it is also really important.

Which brings me to anniversaries again - reviewing my situation as May approaches make sense.  But thinking "well, I've been at this for so long, isn't it enough?"  isn't what I should be asking.  I said multiple times that my journey has not been linear - kind of the opposite actually. 
So the questions to ask are-

1) what's happening now?
I'm doing well, making progress - I still hit bumps, not every day is wonderful, but overall, I'm learning, growing, changing.

2) is making more progress a reasonable possibility? Yes

3) do I want to make more progress?  this last Q may seem odd, but in my post 1-6-19 "neurological change, it IS possible" - lists some things required in order for progress to happen.

If I'm being honest with myself, I want more than I have right now - I don't think that's my PTSD anxiety being demanding, I think it's how I feel. I wrote recently about what success looks like for me, & the one piece I still don't have is regular activities "out there," meaning not at home. I don't know what's possible, but I feel like I need to try - that means more rehab, & all that that involves.

I'm incredibly fortunate that all these years in, doing more rehab is still possible for me, due to all the support I get.  I wish everyone had this, but that doesn't mean I should feel guilty that I Do have that opportunity - it DOES mean that I should make the most of it...

Take advantage of doing with my daughters, husband, etc when I can, give myself breaks - everyone needs time off from work, right? - but I need to keep going.  I have to do what works for my neurological self, but I have to do the work. I don't think I'm quite ready to accept that where I'm at is where I have to stay.

Symphony is when sympathetic and parasympathetic are integrated... 75% means not expecting 100% - perfection


March 1st, 2019 integration... Let it unfold...

When I did this drawing - thinking of my winding journey, hence the twisting line & the arrows in different directions - it occurred to me how important integration is.

How well, how much integration there is between a variety of systems - visual, vestibular, sympathetic and parasympathetic, auditory, etc. - all these electrical signals (are emotions electrical signals?? what about body chemistry, biology?)... All kinds of different brain activity, neural activity... complicated is an understatement...

I don't know the answer - will integration be completed or will it be ongoing?  In bits and pieces?  I guess it really is an adventure, with good days and bad days and in between days... I know that my journey is not a linear one.... 

I remind myself again, that what I KNOW for SURE is today, right now.  I can't analyze this integration thing too much - I think I need to let it unfold.

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