February 28th 2016 About my Feldenkrais Therapy....

February 28th 2016 About my Feldenkrais Therapy....

People hear about traditional vestibular rehab therapy - VRT - fairly frequently when there is discussion about non-surgical treatment.  Yo...

June 21st, 2018 Letting go leaves room for possibility....

This may sound strange, but I decided to make a list of the big things it's unlikely I'll do again -

1) go to a movie in a movie theatre -
way too much sensory stimulation

2) go to a concert with my family - the kind with lights, etc. - ditto #1

3) travel - WAY too complicated

4) give private flute lessons - complex  - integrating a LOT of different elements - reading/playing sheet music, writing on sheet music, listening carefully in order to give feedback, looking back and forth between my student and the music

5) drive - very complex -possibly could literally operate a car, but add in everything I'd need to pay attention to in order to be a safe, responsible driver - the last time I drove was taking my daughters to and from a doctor appointment in Oct. 2011.

So, there's my list... it's actually easier to see it in front of me in words, it's surprisingly benign... clearing away unlikely goals leaves me asking - "OK, so what am I going to try, or maybe build on (i.e. drawing, writing)?"... I don't know... I'll have to experiment... what gives me a sense of accomplishment, adds quality to my life...

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June 20th, 2018 Me and my friend PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder)...

What I'm realizing is that in order to deal with Anxiety/PTSD, I have to try... this means doing what feels like walking right into the center of a storm... a storm of ALL my symptoms... it's like saying "OK, Anxiety, come get me, give me your best shot..." because trying stuff is the way to find out what my real parameters are... does it work, or not?  Sounds so simple... but it's SO hard.

I don't believe I could do this on my own... I believe anyone trying to deal with some of the really tough anxiety disorders - OCD, PTSD, agoraphobia to name a few - on their own, won't work... I know *I* need my psychiatrist, CBT therapist, AND meds... Dr. Mirsky says the meds are like body armor... I feel like I need that.

I've realized how much ENERGY I put into being on high alert ALL THE TIME, and how distorted my thinking can get... but letting go is incredibly hard... I told Dr. Mirsky I wanted to be DONE already... he said "I know... but you've been dealing with this for years (meaning, since I got sick), so it's gonna take time..."

I want to own my progress, but I feel like if I ease up a bit on my HIGH ALERT, and try something, then SOMETHING bad is gonna happen... "hello Anxiety" - that's how it works - PTSD tries to keep you STUCK - no risk, no PTSD Anxiety... over time, the idea is to make all my vision and vestibular symptoms less loaded... more benign... Dr. Mirsky believes I can do this... so does Christina... he says "you do too, THAT'S why you're here... to get help..."   One. Little. Step. at. a. time.

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June 17th, 2018 A more basic kind of forgiveness...

Being able to write more is a good thing, I know, and I need to put this out there - maybe I'm not alone in feeling this -

I feel just plain bad sometimes - guilty - about having limitations... to put it more basically, I feel bad that I got sick - a chronic illness kind of sick... it's hard for me to admit this to myself... if I wasn't dealing with my disorders, I wouldn't have to ask for the help I DO need to ask for.

I can't drive, my normal activity level during a day or week - though better than it used to be - is so much less than a healthy person... I feel sometimes like I'm letting others down, making demands on them a healthy me wouldn't have to... I hate having to remind others of my limitations.

I know Christina (my new therapist) always says you have to try in order to know, but sometimes - particularly when it hasn't been an ordinary day - I feel like I DO know... I know I've done enough that one more thing isn't in the cards that day.

My vestibular/visual systems have to put in extra effort, which can be tiring, even draining... I don't want to get into brain fog/sensory overload territory... I often feel like I'm trying to find a balance between remaining hopeful, but also being realistic.

I'm learning that living MY life to the fullest has a different meaning now... so I need to forgive myself not just for mistakes, but simply for getting sick... the truth is, bad things happen.  Period... I didn't deserve this, nor is it my fault - I make myself remember 2 phrases I've heard a lot lately -

1) do the best you can in this moment

2) keep going

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