I went to a Rosh Hashanah morning service today. I attended the morning service last year as well. But this year, I did a reading with my husband Ron. Our rabbi e-mailed us about whether or not we would be interested, and at first I thought "no way!" But then I talked about it with my vision therapist, Ann, and she encouraged me to do it. So I said yes.
I was told I'd get the reading via e-mail ahead of time and could format it however I wanted to. When I got it, I told Ron that I wanted to go first, and I would do the smaller amount. He said OK to that. I practiced a total of three times, once sitting down, once standing up, and once with Ron. I had formatted the reading so that I didn't need my reading glasses - I didn't want to have to deal with that. I also decided ahead of time that I would not try to look at the audience while I read. Switching from the reading to the audience and back again was more visual work than I wanted to do.
When we got to the church where we rent space, I went to a fairly quiet room to have my snack before the service. Then we went into the sanctuary. Once the service started, Rabbi Adam named, to thank in advance, everyone who would be reading. That's when I got nervous. My heart started pounding. I tried to keep some level of calm. I've performed many times on my flute, both as a soloist and with anywhere from one other person to an entire group. I would get nervous right before I started, but once I'd played a few bars, I got into flow and was fine. But that was before I got sick. This was the first public anything I had done. It's one thing to be in a crowd and know that no one is really paying attention to you, even if you feel self-conscious. It's quite another to be standing behind a podium at a very large rock in a sanctuary filled with people.
I don't know if it was a coincidence, or if Rabbi Adam intentionally gave us a reading early in the service, but either way I was grateful. I'd do it and then I could relax and enjoy the music and service. I walked up the aisle ahead of Ron, and over to the podium. I looked at Rabbi Adam, who nodded just a bit as if to say "yes, it's your turn." Ron was now standing next to me. I smoothed out my piece of paper on the corduroy-like fabric and took a breath. I was grateful the podium was high enough that the paper was a comfortable distance for me visually. I was keenly aware of my pounding heart, but I told myself "you can do this" and started to read. I took my time. As I got to the end, I thought "You're doing it" and then "you did it." Then I looked up and took in the crowd a bit as Ron read his portion. I felt a rush of emotion, realizing that I'd done it. When we were done, we walked back to our seats.
My daughters asked me later what I was nervous about. Being in the sanctuary was a lot of stimulation for me. Even though I don't get full migraines much anymore, I still have sensory issues because of my migraine condition, and being in a room with lots of people is a challenge. There's voices and conversations happening all over the room. The sanctuary is also a very large space, which means that spatially, it's a challenge. When I was up on the level where the podium is - not a stage but a few steps higher than the main floor - it felt very different than being on the same level as everyone else. So I was nervous about getting dizzy, feeling a spin, or struggling with my balance. I'm very thankful none of that happened.
Back in our seats, I took in the rest of the service, and the music. There were some songs I particularly enjoyed, and I took special pleasure in noting that my older daughter was moving to the music, obviously enjoying herself singing in the choir. I was sitting in between Cara (who will probably be up singing with the choir next year), and Ron. When the service was over, I did a bit of socializing, and several people who know me and are somewhat aware of my vestibular conditions made a point of congratulating me that I'd done the reading. I thought that was very sweet that they made a point of telling me, and it made me feel very good. I'm glad I took the challenge, and did it. And I'm glad my daughters saw me carry through with something that made me really nervous.
When we got to the church where we rent space, I went to a fairly quiet room to have my snack before the service. Then we went into the sanctuary. Once the service started, Rabbi Adam named, to thank in advance, everyone who would be reading. That's when I got nervous. My heart started pounding. I tried to keep some level of calm. I've performed many times on my flute, both as a soloist and with anywhere from one other person to an entire group. I would get nervous right before I started, but once I'd played a few bars, I got into flow and was fine. But that was before I got sick. This was the first public anything I had done. It's one thing to be in a crowd and know that no one is really paying attention to you, even if you feel self-conscious. It's quite another to be standing behind a podium at a very large rock in a sanctuary filled with people.
I don't know if it was a coincidence, or if Rabbi Adam intentionally gave us a reading early in the service, but either way I was grateful. I'd do it and then I could relax and enjoy the music and service. I walked up the aisle ahead of Ron, and over to the podium. I looked at Rabbi Adam, who nodded just a bit as if to say "yes, it's your turn." Ron was now standing next to me. I smoothed out my piece of paper on the corduroy-like fabric and took a breath. I was grateful the podium was high enough that the paper was a comfortable distance for me visually. I was keenly aware of my pounding heart, but I told myself "you can do this" and started to read. I took my time. As I got to the end, I thought "You're doing it" and then "you did it." Then I looked up and took in the crowd a bit as Ron read his portion. I felt a rush of emotion, realizing that I'd done it. When we were done, we walked back to our seats.
My daughters asked me later what I was nervous about. Being in the sanctuary was a lot of stimulation for me. Even though I don't get full migraines much anymore, I still have sensory issues because of my migraine condition, and being in a room with lots of people is a challenge. There's voices and conversations happening all over the room. The sanctuary is also a very large space, which means that spatially, it's a challenge. When I was up on the level where the podium is - not a stage but a few steps higher than the main floor - it felt very different than being on the same level as everyone else. So I was nervous about getting dizzy, feeling a spin, or struggling with my balance. I'm very thankful none of that happened.
Back in our seats, I took in the rest of the service, and the music. There were some songs I particularly enjoyed, and I took special pleasure in noting that my older daughter was moving to the music, obviously enjoying herself singing in the choir. I was sitting in between Cara (who will probably be up singing with the choir next year), and Ron. When the service was over, I did a bit of socializing, and several people who know me and are somewhat aware of my vestibular conditions made a point of congratulating me that I'd done the reading. I thought that was very sweet that they made a point of telling me, and it made me feel very good. I'm glad I took the challenge, and did it. And I'm glad my daughters saw me carry through with something that made me really nervous.
