September 9, 2021 - One decade... be present.

It’s been a decade since I got sick. I didn’t know then, that night, that my life was dramatically changed. I’ve done therapies, and they’ve...

December 4th, 2018 pulling myself back into the world


I was resting, & let myself remember the night I got sick... I felt the fear... I don't remember - that night in Sept. 2011 - thinking, only feeling - vertigo... I remember sitting up, trying to hold VERY still... not to move... very scared...

I vaguely remember trying to convince myself it was an inner ear infection, but I don't think I really believed that... when Ron called my doctor in the morning, & he was told to take me to a neurologist, my fear, anxiety grew.

That turned out to be the beginning of many moments, when I just held myself - wrapped my arms around myself, trying to hold myself together....

Today while resting, I said to myself "OK, you're here... breathe... feel your lungs expand and contract... feel the bed under you...you're here... " this grounded me, I felt the anxiety - like messy, broken pieces inside me - slowly fade... "you're a whole, connected human being..."

I have diagnoses now, & I'm gaining more & more understanding...  it's hard... it takes time... I realized it needs to, so my brain, my neurological self can process,  integrate...

That's something I lost when I got sick - neurological integration  - & I still get scared, but I'm learning that the fear passes eventually...

I try things now, remember more often to name, label the anxiety, but still try... tell myself it's OK - good, actually - to do little bits, small steps...  Never perfect, no guarantees... but I'm trying... & bit by bit, I'm pulling myself back into the world - a world full of people, activity, I feel like I fell out of.





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