I was resting, & let myself remember
the night I got sick... I felt the fear... I don't remember - that night in Sept. 2011 - thinking,
only feeling - vertigo... I remember sitting up, trying to hold VERY still...
not to move... very scared...
I vaguely remember trying to
convince myself it was an inner ear infection, but I don't think I really
believed that... when Ron called my doctor in the morning, & he was told to
take me to a neurologist, my fear, anxiety grew.
That turned out to be the beginning
of many moments, when I just held myself - wrapped my arms around myself,
trying to hold myself together....
Today while resting, I said to
myself "OK, you're here... breathe... feel your lungs expand and
contract... feel the bed under you...you're here... " this grounded me, I
felt the anxiety - like messy, broken pieces inside me - slowly fade... "you're
a whole, connected human being..."
I have diagnoses now, & I'm
gaining more & more understanding...
it's hard... it takes time... I realized it needs to, so my brain, my
neurological self can process, integrate...
That's something I lost when I got
sick - neurological integration - &
I still get scared, but I'm learning that the fear passes eventually...
I try things now, remember more
often to name, label the anxiety, but still try... tell myself it's OK - good,
actually - to do little bits, small steps...
Never perfect, no guarantees... but I'm trying... & bit by bit, I'm
pulling myself back into the world - a world full of people, activity, I feel
like I fell out of.
