When I worked with Karen, in between
Dr. Glad, and Christina (CBT), I did phone sessions, and basically crawled into a
hole of depression... now I'm using phone sessions with Christina so I can go
OUT - that's a positive change.
BUT, kind of scary.
The only way to do bite-size
socializing is phone calls... going out doesn't feel like it can be bite-size...
there ARE degrees of challenge - time of day, length of car ride, # of people,
whether food is involved, what special planning I have to do.
I was out last night, and I'm glad I
did it, but it was exhausting... there's no way to know EXACTLY what I'll have
to deal with, and I realized that YES, I get anxious! And it's very uncomfortable
- I don't like it. Part of me REALLY
wants to be that person who crawls into a safe little hole, but I know it's not
a healthy, good place to be.
I need to practice this - I never
would have guessed that going out, socializing would be worry exposure - but it
totally is! I ALSO need to talk with Christina
about how to handle some Qs - not profound questions, basic ones - "how
are you?", "what have you been up to?". The wheels turn in my head "what do they
know about me, what do they really want to know?". When I'm NOT there, I think, "OK, talk
about pets, talk about your daughters...".
In the moment, there's so much to
process - I'm working on OTHER stuff I never did before - vestibular and visual
stuff, and oh yeah, anxiety. But the
bottom line is, I don't REALLY want to go back into that hole.
There's a lot to relearn - visual, vestibular,
social. I remember Christina saying that eventually the anxiety becomes less,
and I have a feeling that that will allow my brain to work better. SO, I've
gotta keep going.
