Ron asked me not long
ago if I missed grocery shopping and I said that there were definitely things I
miss, but that that activity wasn't one of them. Ron started doing the grocery shopping (and
other errands) when I developed hand problems, so he's been doing it for a few
years now. I have a list on my computer,
which I tweak each week, and he's gotten to know the two stores where we buy
our groceries. Going to stores isn't
something I do much; between the various noises, the lights, and a combo of
visual factors, it takes a lot out of me.
Fast forward to me -
very recently - sitting in our car in the parking lot (in the passenger seat -
I don't drive) while he ran in to buy something I'd forgotten to put on the
list. I was with him because we were
returning from an appointment of mine. I
hadn't been in the parking lot of the grocery store for a long time. As I sat there watching people, I remembered
his comment, and it suddenly struck me that what I missed wasn't the activity
itself, but rather the ability to do it.
I had told Ron, when he
asked me about shopping, that I try really hard not to think about what I can't
do anymore. But there are moments when
the emotions hit me, like this moment of realization. I reminded myself that everybody I saw
probably had their own story, but I couldn't help thinking how they appeared to
move so easily, going about their business.
And I miss that.
Later that same day, I
had a brief e-mail exchange with Joyce (FT) about my latest flute frustrations,
and she had some helpful ideas. Sometimes
when I'm problem solving with my daughters, I tell them to break things down,
and keep things simple, and I need to take my own counsel. The message behind the ideas Joyce had was
to break things down - not in a bad "having a break-down" way, but
rather going back to my "figure it out" concept. Joyce pointed out to me that back when I
taught flute, I would try to simplify everything to make it as easy as possible
for my student to learn. That's what I
need to do for myself.
Fast forward again to my
session with Ann (VT) during which I discussed my frustrations with getting
back to reading sheet music. Issues I
put together after my recent reading of sheet music, because I can't figure
things out without trying things out.
Ann added on to Joyce's ideas; we talked more about breaking things
down, and how to work some things through.
In many ways, I'm
learning to read again. There is
reintegration (and in some cases, integration for the first time) that needs to
happen re the info I take in with my eyes, and the processing/perception in my
brain. The same is true for me for other
tasks, such as flute playing. I have to
take in info on the printed page (sheet music), and relay it first to my brain,
and then to my fingers, while I maintain my sense of where I am in space. Integration is key: if you don't integrate sensory input, or
spend too much energy on one part of the sensory input, you have problems.
So I put these moments
together - thinking about Joyce's reply to break things down and simplify
everything, as well as Ann's input, and then my emotions sitting in our car in
the parking lot. I realized yet again how
important it is to do both; as I continue my journey, to let myself feel, and
then break things down as much as is necessary, in order to be able to integrate
or reintegrate.
I too have stopped going into stores and my husband does the grocery shopping. When I need to buy something, I go online to get it. I still drive, but not at night and not often. So many things i can't do anymore that I really miss, but the best someone can do in this situation is adapt as needed.
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Thank you for sharing... I agree about adapting as needed, tho sometimes you have to just stop doing something... and I'm still trying to push forward with my rehab... sounds like you have a positive attitude, despite missing things...
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