Sometime in the next 2 weeks is when, 7 years ago, I got sick, and my life changed completely. That is the simple truth - I don't believe I should deny. Emotionally, I've been very up and down lately.
My thinking -
Music - I know I'm not going to be
part of the musical world again as I once was - being part of a band, teaching
private flute lessons, or getting together for duets...
Sound - Going to concerts is
difficult for me; I've realized that my tolerance for loud sounds is relatively
low - it doesn't need to be what people would consider "noise" - when
I listen to music I never listen as loudly as I suspect most people do, and though
I do listen to audio-books I have to take breaks. Ditto for movies, which I
watch in small chunks, in the afternoon.
Outlook - I believe I'm
fundamentally a hopeful, optimistic person, but I'm ALSO fundamentally a
pragmatic realist... In terms of my personality, pragmatism has always balanced
out how intense I am.
Predictability - I wrote once a
while back about needing predictability in my life, and what I've realized is
that predictability is not just about my PTSD anxiety. Because of my disorders, it takes more effort
for me to process certain things than it used to - I put more effort into
systemic multitasking than I used to... Predictability and control allow me to
move through my day without quite so much effort, which allows me to have
energy when I need it - for example, for writing this blog.
Technology - it's okay for me to use
the audio feature of Google translate, and the Dragon NaturallySpeaking
software program I have on my computer. It helps me to write this blog.
Doing & Rest - I'm trying to be
productive, & still need a break in the early afternoon - otherwise getting
through the rest of the day is extremely difficult... I also find I get very
tired about an hour before dinner, so I need to take a lot of small breaks...
Doing things in the evening is something I reserve for special things because
it's a real challenge, and it's very difficult for me to be up past 10 PM.
"Done" - I've written
about being scared and I still feel that... I told Ron that I wished that I had
a "done" light that went on the same way that our dishwasher and
washing machines do, but for me the "done" is facing the frustration
and disappointment of discovering my limitations.
4 months - Knowing that my plan
might change, because I have no idea how the next 4 months will unfold, I see
myself continuing on my therapies, with a week off now and then from vision
therapy (VT).
Future - When my daughters are home
from college for winter break, I will take a break, review where I am at, and
see what feels right for me for 2019. I
don't want to give up on myself, but I also know I can't do rehab
indefinitely. I want to become more
comfortable with the idea - instead of feeling frightened by it - of what my
life will look like without rehab.
