"for us, there is only the
trying. The rest is not our business."
T.S. Eliot
To me, this means what we own, what
we have control over is trying, our own personal effort, not the aftermath.
Planning - I plan all the time... It's
true that sometimes the planning itself is really difficult, but I think
sometimes the anxiety for me is about the actual event.
Perfectionist - Anxiety makes me a
perfectionist - I want to plan for every single possible contingency... this is
impossible - there will always be something I could not have anticipated, and I
just have to do the best I can.
Limited resource - part of me wants to make every single moment
absolutely the best it can be - since my energy is limited, I don't want to
waste it. But I'm not always going to make the perfect choice about what to do,
how to spend my time and that's okay... Whether you have 1 year, or 6 years or
60 years left, there will be wonderful, lousy and a whole lot of somewhere in
between moments - that's life.
Limitations and obstacles - everyone
has limitations, and everyone faces obstacles - if I look around, I'm going to
find someone worse off than me, and someone better off - the reality is that I'm
somewhere on the continuum, so I want to feel compassion for those less
fortunate, and face whatever I have to face.
Rehab - Feldenkrais, vision therapy,
and dealing with my Anxiety so that it doesn't inhibit my progress - was about
getting better, which meant being symptom-free.
I'm not sure anymore... I believe that if I am trying, challenging
myself - boring, stagnating doesn't feel good - then maybe I'll never be free
of symptoms... I really don't know... Maybe the point is to minimize the really
bad symptoms, the setbacks, but still be living, still be trying.
