I miss the "me" I used to
be, what I used to be able to do, so much sometimes... like losing a special
friend, I don't think my loss will ever be gone... What I hope is that the ache
will lessen over time... I know I need to let myself feel this ache inside me
when it comes, when it follows disappointment and frustration, or when it's
simply there by itself...
What I also want to try to hold
onto, are new good moments.. I have to hunt for those, track them down wherever
they may be hiding... Rebuilding is an effort, but I have to do it... The clock
keeps ticking, further and further away from the night I got sick, and that
first miserable year afterwards... but I don't want to - CAN'T - spend the rest of my life wishing for, looking
for that old "me"...
I need to put together a new
"me" that will have pieces of my past - so many memories, they are knitted
into me... with whatever more - SOMETHING more - I find to fill the empty
spaces... I want more - a few more pieces - than I've found so far... I want to
stick around for a good many more years, so I HAVE to keep going, to create a fulfilling,
meaningful new normal... I'm not sure how this is going to work, how I'm going
to do it, I just know I have to.
