September 9, 2021 - One decade... be present.

It’s been a decade since I got sick. I didn’t know then, that night, that my life was dramatically changed. I’ve done therapies, and they’ve...

September 16th, 2018 I wish I had a blueprint...


I miss the "me" I used to be, what I used to be able to do, so much sometimes... like losing a special friend, I don't think my loss will ever be gone... What I hope is that the ache will lessen over time... I know I need to let myself feel this ache inside me when it comes, when it follows disappointment and frustration, or when it's simply there by itself...

What I also want to try to hold onto, are new good moments.. I have to hunt for those, track them down wherever they may be hiding... Rebuilding is an effort, but I have to do it... The clock keeps ticking, further and further away from the night I got sick, and that first miserable year afterwards... but I don't want to - CAN'T -  spend the rest of my life wishing for, looking for that old "me"...

I need to put together a new "me" that will have pieces of my past - so many memories, they are knitted into me... with whatever more - SOMETHING more - I find to fill the empty spaces... I want more - a few more pieces - than I've found so far... I want to stick around for a good many more years, so I HAVE to keep going, to create a fulfilling, meaningful new normal... I'm not sure how this is going to work, how I'm going to do it, I just know I have to.


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