As September comes to an end, I've
realized some things -
1) waking up - I'm angry that I
can't wake up and be healthy. I woke up sick, but it doesn't work in reverse -
I hate that.
2) energy - I miss having what I consider
normal energy. More than that, I'm angry
about that.
3) my story - I can get help from multiple
sources, but in the end, choices I make really are up to me. This is MY story, I'm living in my body - no
one else is.
4) let down - I'm really angry at
the medical profession for letting me down. For not having answers soon enough,
for fucking with my life - how DARE you!
5) Present - trying to make progress
doesn't cancel out acknowledging where I'm at NOW. I have no idea where I'll be
in 6 - or whatever number of months - but I DO know what I've lost. I'm not just sad about it, I'm really, really
angry!
6) Space for anger - Rehab always
gives room for grief, but what about anger! Anger isn't quiet, polite - it feels messy, agitated,
NOISY - and it's THERE and I need to let it OUT!
7) meaning - I've said I want to improve
my social life - and that's true - but what I ALSO need is meaning. Cliche or not, my life needs to feel
meaningful. Something that comes just out of me, out of the person I am.
This - my anger - isn't the feel
good part of my story, but it's as real, necessary as every inch of progress. I
don't think I can make ANY progress without allowing this ANGER.
