It's not like there's a
drawer, or pocket, or something inside of me that's for each of these disorders.
But when I do something, I have a pretty good understanding now of what challenges
me, so I'm getting better at figuring out what's going on. Fatigue is sometimes
the main issue. Even if I don't feel really bad symptoms, the management can be
very tiring.
Many people have some
basic understanding of anxiety, though PTSD Anxiety, which produces
physiological changes in my body, is harder to comprehend. My other invisible disorders - the vestibular
& visual - are even more difficult to understand. When someone simply
respects that they don't know what's going on inside my body, yet believes that
I have challenges, that's the best understanding to have.
When I think about how I
spend my time, I know that I can't know what my future holds, so I have to
focus on now. Be present. I can ask myself "what do I want to have to look
back on at the end of the week?". Yes, just a week, not a month, certainly
not a full year. A week.
We live in a high speed,
high tech age when productivity is highly valued. Yet when I think about what
matters most, I believe it's still about people feeling connected, valued.
Rather than thinking
about productivity, what I've gotten DONE, what else is there?
I want to have learned -
life feels kind of tedious without any learning
I want to have laughed
I want to have shared
some good conversations
I want to have made
music, to have been creative
I want to share some
hugs, some smiles
I want to know I was
kind, and treated with kindness
I don't want to chase after
perfection - that feels like an impossible standard, and exhausting
When I think about my
life with my invisible disorders, what I really want at the end of each week,
is to feel a sense of worth, value in living. It feels like a shift in
thinking, but in its' essence, I want to feel good about who I am, regardless
of my invisible disorders.
How I feel about the
person I am doesn't have to solely come from productivity.
My sense of myself - invisible
disorders included - can come, really, from more than what I got done. Noticing a beautiful flower, & sharing
pictures for others to appreciate. Like the pictures of flowers I posted with
this piece. Drinking in how lovely they are.
Enjoying a beautiful weather
day. Sunshine. My house, with my three fluffs, also known as Cosmo, Maisy &
Molly. Knowing I have friends & family who care - whether they're
physically with me or not, & even if my friendship circle is very small. How
I treat myself & other people - with kindness, compassion. Trying to keep
my sense of humor, letting tears come - & be seen.
It's not like I just discovered
kindness, compassion and human responsibility, but I have more clarity now. I need to focus less on trying to find a spot
for myself in the overwhelming, high tech world that's racing past me, on all
this supposedly vital productivity, and focus more on the kind of person I am.
