1) first with our
Chamber of Commerce, then
2) an online organizing
website (I learned, but made no money),
then
3) as an independent
contractor for a company that tied the housing market to the Chamber (this went
well until the housing market went very badly),
& finally
4)giving private flute
lessons ( I discovered I enjoyed this after teaching both our daughters).
Interwoven throughout, I
was a stay-at-home mom. But my daughters
are now young adults. Ann commented that I've reinvented myself a number of
times. I'd never thought of it that way. And now, with both my daughters
embarking on their final year of formal education (the learning never ends),
I'm asking questions.
I told Christina that
the possibility that where I'm at now is basically it, terrified me. I don't remember if she asked me, but I asked
myself later what it was that terrified me. Feeling tremendous sadness?
Frustration? Anger? Loneliness? If I'm afraid of all of that, that would mean I'm
afraid of being human.
None of those feelings
is easy to feel, and maybe I - maybe a lot of us - get scared that if we let
ourselves feel these emotions, we'll disappear into them. We won't stop feeling
that way. We won't ever feel anything good again.
Sometimes being human
isn't easy - sometimes it's damn hard. But at 58 years old, and counting, I
know - yes, I truly know - that I've gotten through every single one of my
worst, hardest moments, my toughest days.
I hate what happened to
me eight years ago. I don't think I'll ever be one of those people who says
that getting sick was actually a gift of some kind, that it was meant to be.
But I can't change that it happened. I
have disabilities. I'm so much better than I was, but I have disabilities, and
I don't think that's going to change.
So here's what I promise
myself.
To feel - I'll let
myself feel. I will feel joy, love, gratitude, and all the difficult emotions
as well.
To have self compassion
- I don't want to feel sorry for myself, nor do I want anyone else to. I want to feel self compassion, and I ask for
empathy.
To find meaning - I will
fill my time, beyond meeting my responsibilities as best I can, with what has
meaning for me. This can be as simple as
cuddling a pet, hugging Ron, reminding myself how far I've come. I don't want
to fill my time just for the sake of filling time. Disabled or not, once responsibilities are
met, none of us should be just filling time.
Life is too short for that.
To grow - I will try to
always grow as a human being. That doesn't mean being in my therapies forever -
that's not the goal of any therapy.
To find acceptance within
myself - I will try to accept the truth of my invisible disorders, so that I
can move forward to get the most out of my life that is possible. This means
most of the time focusing on the positive, on what I can do, on what is good,
rather than all my various challenges.
To notice & nurture
- I need and want to work on noticing not what brings me down, but what helps
me, nurtures the kind of person I choose to be.
To do my best to live in
the moment, take things one day at a time.
I listened to the
Epilogue, written by Joshua Williams, for The Unwinding of a Miracle. His wife
died of cancer, and this is what he said -
"It is in the
acceptance of truth that real peace & wisdom come. It is in the acceptance
of truth that real living begins.
Conversely, avoidance of truth is the denial of life."
I think what Joshua
Williams means, and what I believe, is that acceptance opens up space to
breathe, move forward, to see what my life still has to offer. Even with
disabilities, I deserve that. Everyone with disabilities does.
