I told Christina that I
felt stuck because I'm not independent. The truth is I'm not as dependent as I
used to be - I can function pretty well at home. The stuckness comes from something
different, from a feeling of "where's my life going?".
I realized the other day
that on my blog site, I hadn't said in the "My story in a nutshell"
piece, that I was a musician. Well, I was, and I suppose I still am. For five
minutes a day when I play my flute. For a few minutes occasionally when I play
our piano keyboard. I'm a writer, too, obviously. I'm not published anywhere
else. Maybe someday, but for now I have my blog.
I realized that I really
don't want to hold my daughters back, or my husband, for that matter. I don't
feel jealous, so much as wistful. It's really about what happened to my own
life. I ache for the musician I used to be. The connections I used to have. The
possibilities. Sometimes I think I shouldn't share the pain, the frustration,
as raw as I feel it. But if I want to paint an honest picture, then I have to
share, to speak.
I also wonder if maybe
I'm really speaking for people who can't find the words, or choose not to
share. Part of me doesn't want to share, but then the words start to feel like this
impossible weight inside of me. So I'm speaking.
Occasionally I feel a
stab of anger, of bitterness. But mostly I feel sadness, an empty, lonely
sadness. Frustration that I live with
invisible disorders that are so hard for others to understand.
I want - really, really
want - actually need, to find joy, happiness, that I can hold on to - that
sticks. It's very hard sometimes. I know
I need to keep busy, keep my mind occupied.
I know I'll keep going,
because it's in my nature. I have too strong a streak of a sense of responsibility. I also think that life has to, in order to
feel purposeful, meaningful, good - to feel like more than fulfilling
responsibilities. Maybe I need to shift my perspective, post-illness, on where
I find that meaning.
You are published in the Lake Forest College campus newspaper.
ReplyDeletetrue... years ago, but true
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