I've traveled a long way in 7+ yrs,
but in a way, even longer in the past yr or 2 -
I remember when I couldn't picture
myself doing 3 therapies a week, & certainly not showing up in person for
all of them - CBT was often by phone.
I remember a yr ago, the idea of
needing distance glasses, always using reading glasses for near work, & wearing
sunglasses overwhelmed me - & now I'm doing ALL of that!
I'm not running away from VT - even
thinking about incorporating it at home more consistently.
My mind is opening up - my thinking
is changing, I'm trying, in small ways, & not so small - with scheduling,
etc.
I realized I need to let go of how I
thought my life would look - music, volunteering (I don't want to volunteer at
something just to do it).
As I continue to improve, I need to
keep my mind engaged - giving space for my emotions to breathe is important,
but I don't want to provide a playground for my PTSD Anxiety (or Depression for
that matter), so mindfulness, doing with intention, mental engagement matters.
I'm learning to recognize when my
PTSD Anxiety gets triggered - which is often - & I'm learning to respond
differently, as in "yup, you've shown up, I'm not surprised" - this
is very much a work in progress, learning to live with PTSD Anxiety without
letting it rule me.
Tolerating uncertainty - or rather
learning to - I don't know exactly what
things I'm going to try, what will work for me. I'm going to see what
opportunities present themselves to me, what I come up with. PTSD Anxiety trigger - not knowing? yup,
definitely.
Hopefully as I continue to make
progress with my therapeutic goals, I'll figure things out. As I said in "Why
I share my story?" (1-6-19) my story's ongoing - I don't have an ending
yet. I don't like that, but I have to live with that.
And yet - & my PTSD Anxiety does
NOT want me to claim this idea - amazingly, whatever I'm building could
actually be good, be some kind of success story - different, but still a
success.
