It's painful to remember... I miss the
congregation choir... playing in a band... playing duets with friends... giving
flute lessons... going to movies... family vacations... so many things I took
for granted... Yes, I've learned not to take anything I have, that *I* feel is
worth having, for granted...
My disorders have been thieves... PTSD is a
thief - it wants to keep me STUCK... I want to know how far I can go... I want
to know how much I can improve... what my stamina, endurance, energy level will
be... will it eventually be more than it is now? I don't know... no one does...
When I think about energy, and basic
vestibular and vision skills, I often think about driving - a demanding,
multi-sensory processing task... and I always come back to the same thought -
"I don't want to get somewhere, and not be able to DO once I'm wherever
"there" is..." I can't imagine having the capacity to do BOTH -
driving safely and responsibly, AND doing... I remember once telling someone in
the first month of my illness "well, I can't be driven everywhere..."
- actually, yes, I can... I'd rather be
driven somewhere, and then be able to DO.
How far will my skills, my energy, my total capacity
improve?? What can I do with drawing, my flute, my writing?? Is there something
I haven't found out yet, that will be meaningful?
I need to find out... trying is hard, anxiety
provoking, effortful, sometimes exhausting...
some things won't work, but I remind myself that some things might, and that's good, and I
have to find out. That's the ONE thing I DO know - that I have to find out. On
my own timetable, with Christina's help. Otherwise, my migraine and vision
disorders, and PTSD thieves are calling ALL the shots, and I can't let that
happen.
Good Morning Tamar,
ReplyDeleteThank you for, your life story on dealing with Vestibular and Vision disorder. I can totally relate to your story! I am dealing with those symptoms on a daily basis. No one knows the struggles we deal with on a daily basis!! But, I am a Christian and, I have a strong relationship with my Lord! I now he will give me the strength and courage to deal with it one day at a time. God bless You!! Stay Strong! Stay Positive!!
thanks for commenting
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