The July 4th holiday got me thinking, and I
decided to share this -
I've told myself not to compare myself to
others, and that I miss things I used to do, but it suddenly hit me - I compare
myself to MYSELF... wow, this is so unfair to myself - I got sick, which really
and truly was NOT, and never will be my fault.
SO, how am I doing, given my vertiginous
migraine and vision disorders, and my Anxiety/PTSD - I've done SOMETHING on
every single one of my worst days, and on my good days, yes, I'm definitely
functional...
"that's a BIG deal, Tamar... stop
punishing yourself for what you can't do... you DO:
laundry, grocery lists, put away groceries,
empty and fill the dishwasher, wash pots, clean litter boxes, feed pets, water
houseplants, cook a LOT, a few other random household tasks...
AND play your flute
a few minutes each day, colored pencil drawings, write, play the piano keyboard,
walk the dog with Ron every day, post on your blog site FB page, listen to
audio books... AND you're working in your therapies to improve..."
"yes, you need help with some things,
and yes, there's a lot you don't do anymore, but look at all you DO do...AND
you're trying really hard to work on your Anxiety/PTSD so you can do more...
that IS doing your best... enough with the negative crap...".
I need to let myself off the hook...
self-blame's a nasty bugger that apparently runs deep - distorted thinking of a
truly rotten kind. And if I do? Then I say,
"OK, this thing happened - I got sick,
and I'm gonna do the best I can with what I have today, including moving
forward as much as is possible...".
Writing this piece made me realize
1) how repetitive my thoughts are when I
ruminate, and
2) how negative my thinking gets
About July 4th - Ron and I will look at the
flower show at the Park district, and if I'm up to it, we'll walk around the
booths for a few minutes, before he takes me home.
