I thought about whether to write about
this... this memory that I think I flashback on because it was an attempted
outing with my daughters that turned into something painful... so here it is...
from my first year of illness... possibly the Fall...
I remember going to the library with the
girls to see a Harry Potter movie - don't remember which one - and struggling
to watch... I finally gave up and went into the main part of the library... I
think I got something out, but I don't remember what... I mostly remember
sitting and feeling miserable, and feeling miserable and anxious about how I
felt... I was seeing Janet (PT)* at the
time, who'd given me some lame advice that did NOT help... why did I stay with
her as long as I did? Because I trusted
her, and didn't know what else to do... she presented herself as a
knowledgeable expert - so ridiculous to think that now... but I was SO sick,
and SO clueless about what was going on!
So, can I forgive myself for making
mistakes? Ultimately, it shouldn't have
mattered that I made mistakes, the medical people I saw should have known
better, or spoken up and acknowledged when they didn't... did Janet tell me to
see someone I didn't? I'm not sure...
it's all fuzzy now... so I guess I need to forgive myself for my mistakes... "Yes,
Tamar, you were VERY sick, and certainly not capable of making good decisions
or choices..." I hadn't learned yet
how I would need to advocate for myself... it was all so complicated... if I'd
had a severe, but known thing like a stroke or heart attack, what then? But I didn't...
I know SO much better now... and am working
with good people...
*NOTE- For the record, I do NOT believe every physical therapist is like Janet... there are some excellent ones...
*NOTE- For the record, I do NOT believe every physical therapist is like Janet... there are some excellent ones...
