I
decided to share this post, because I thought it might help somebody else, who's
struggling like me... I also promised myself I wasn't going to edit this a
ton... So here goes-
I
thought the knot in my stomach was about sadness, and I do think that's part of
it, but another part is that I'm scared... Yesterday Christina asked me if I
was making choices out of fear and I said no, and it was an honest answer at
the time... But I kept thinking about her question, and last night I realized
I'm very scared...
I'm
supposed to be okay with my daughters going back to college, but I'm not... It really
scares me that they are moving ahead with their lives, because I'm afraid that
because of my disorders I'm going to be left behind.. And the truth is I'm full
of self-doubt about whether or not I have what it takes to go as far as I can
with my rehab... I don't really know what I need, I just feel like I don't know...
When
I'm asked what my goals are, I can come up with stuff but the truth is I'm not
really sure, I just know that I want more... I'm always told, and I've written
about noticing the small stuff, but there's always a part of me that feels like
screw the small stuff - it's not enough!
And
if I try and I fail, what if I don't like where I'm left? THAT scares me... I
also realize that feeling scared is a kind of anxiety - after all, why are
panic attacks called panic attacks? Because they are a state of high anxiety... Sometimes
I feel like I'm in a slow-motion panic attack...
I
wonder if I will ever be at a place that feels truly, authentically good... Obviously
I want that... damn, this is HARD... I wonder if this is the "it gets
worse before it gets better" part... I hope so... I really hope so.. and I
hope EVERYONE - including my psychiatrist - can help me get through this.
Great post,Thank you. Have these thoughts also. Somehow knowing others do also Helps. Good Luck,Its going to Be OK, somehow..Tom
ReplyDeletesorry I'm just now seeing this Tom... thanks for commenting and you're welcome!
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