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I'm 54, which I don't consider old. I have one daughter in college, and one who
is a senior in high school. So my mind drifts to what I'm doing with my
life. I don't want to let my disorders
define myself and my future, though I want to be realistic. I recognize that I'm fortunate to work with
an excellent OT who is trained in Feldenkrais Therapy (FT). My FT has, and continues, to help me
tremendously. Of course, my vision
disorders - for which I do Vision
Therapy (VT) - are part of my picture, intertwined with my MAV, and
significantly impact my life. VT works, and
I'm committed to working with it, though my middle aged system doesn't change
as quickly as a young child's does. I'm
encouraged whenever I see posts about someone my age or even older who is doing
VT and seeing improvement - that's pretty cool!
I wrote a piece back in July about my goal of getting
back to teaching flute. I've been
thinking a lot during the last few weeks about that. It's been about a month since I had a
significant setback - a setback that required me to pay more attention to my
pacing. I've been remembering when my
goal was to take walks again. I started
out walking down our driveway - it's kind of long - and then back to our
house. After a few days I walked the
driveway plus past one house, and then back again. After a few more days I added another
house. Eventually I could walk an entire
block and back again, but it took a long time.
I think reaching any of my goals, but in particular flute
teaching, is like walking. Each piece,
each skill I need to re-learn is like walking past the houses. The big difference is that each step is going
to take me more than a few days. That's
one of the realities I'm realizing; how long my VT and FT rehab will take, and how
much effort, and commitment is involved.
My rehab is one of, if not the, hardest things I've ever done. My VT and FT move me forward, but sometimes I
don't understand or realize how doing something will challenge me until I start
moving towards it.
I know that my future is - as is anyone's - somewhat
unpredictable. I've said before, and I'll say again - I wish I had more answers. Part of me thinks "well, make your own
answers." To an extent I can do
that, by putting out effort and building - or rebuilding - my tool box of
skills. I don't know if this journey I'm
on will have a distinct end or plateau, a point at which I'll say "OK, I'm
good with where I am." Where will I
be in a year, or even six months? All I
really know is that I'm committed to working to improve. Ann is good at being my cheerleader and
pointing out when I do something I couldn't a few months ago, as is Joyce. I actually realized on my own the other day
that I did something I wouldn't have been able to do a few months ago. Recognizing that was, to me, as valuable as
the exercise itself.
Given what I now know about vision, it seems appropriate
to me that that word has (at least) two meanings - how we process info, and a
picture of where we want to go. I haven't decided if I want to perform on my
flute again, or if how I reach the public will now be through the written
word. I love to write, and I'm grateful
that people are reading my words - and that VEDA helps me to reach people. But I still wonder about the performance
part; I have very mixed feelings about
performing. I love playing with other
people, but I DON'T love how most rehearsals are done. But playing with other musicians in an
unstructured setting - that's a different story.
Sometimes I think I need to simply stop thinking, and
just live. Stop thinking, get out of
bed, and start moving through my day.
Find out from the internet - and Ron - what happened in the world around
me. Stop all of these questions floating
around in my head, do what I need to do.
Do some writing, do some of the ordinary tasks that make up a person's
day. And for a few precious minutes, quiet
my mind, and play my flute.
Everything you said in your last paragraph you should do. Start living for you. Forget about what everyone else wants from you. Ask yourself, what do you want from you and strive for that. It may take some work, but you will eventually find happiness. I believe Ron and your children would help you with that.
ReplyDeleteJohnnie Smith @ Ranch Creek Recovery
Thank you Johnnie for you comment... as of my post about finding energy and joy, I think I'm getting more present centered... :-)
ReplyDelete