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Holidays fill me with mixed emotions. I'm grateful for what I'm able to do, but I
always miss out on things as well. So as
I approach the holiday season, thinking about the last month or so, I find
myself thinking about finding my own peace.
I discovered a wonderful clip on YouTube of
John Denver playing a song called Healing Time on Earth. I don't think this song was ever recorded in
a studio. In the clip, he actually
composes some of the song on the spot, and it's really lovely - he sings it
like a loving lullaby. There is
beautiful imagery - as in all his songs - of nature, but I feel this song can
be about any kind of healing. A healing
time is also inward, internal healing.
If someone's been through a trauma, they can't just move forward without
giving themselves time first to heal on the inside, emotionally. I recently listened to an article about this
inner healing, and that it isn't a linear process, though I'm sure most of us
wish it were!
When I got sick, I was scared and
overwhelmed. I had no idea what was
going on, or what to expect, and I don't think I could really process the
emotions of it all. I've gotten feedback
from people who have been sick far longer than I have, from people who just
recently got sick, and those who are still trying to figure out what's wrong
with them. So experiences are all across
the board. We're all in different places
with regard to our disorders, but I think we ALL need to have healing
time.
I feel like since I've been moving through my
setback, I'm finally processing what happened to me. I'm trying to be right here, now, looking
around and saying "OK, this happened to me." And sit with it a while. Let my emotions come when they come, and not
try to figure everything out about where I'm going. I want answers now, but I
need to let this process, my processing, unfold.
In an effort to feel a bit more like I'm
contributing in my not online life, I recently became a satellite member of my
congregations' Membership Committee, acting as liaison to the Youth Education
Committee of my congregations' Sunday School (a committee I've been on for
years). I told the Comm. Chair - a very
nice, very dedicated woman - that I couldn't attend the meetings, but I could
give ideas and talk to people. That IS a
contribution and she seemed thrilled. I
had the unsettling feeling or realization that I was going to come up with
ideas for events in which I can't actually participate.
Thinking about what I can't do, I feel part
of my healing, finding my peace, is in truly believing that having invisible
disorders is not my fault. No one ever
talked to me about how to take care of my body as a musician. I didn't realize I needed to advocate for myself
for my MAV diagnosis, knowing what questions to ask, what info I needed - all
while being sick! I knew nothing about
functional vision problems. So here I
am, realizing that I couldn't ask questions I didn't know to ask. And realizing that being angry and sad about
what happened to me makes a great deal of sense.
So I need a healing time. I suspect I'm not the only one living with
these invisible disorders who feels this way.
Hopefully, once I've gotten through this very not linear process, I can
look around to see what opportunities exist or open up for me. I have a feeling that I will. In the meantime, I say to myself, as I
replied to an online comment the other day "...we're doing the best we
can, and we need to be gentle with ourselves....".
Thank you for sharing. This is how I feel too. I am struggling so much with this. My heart breaks every day. Each day is a learning process and some days drain the life out of me.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome Pat - I don't know what your issues are, but I'm glad my words were a bit helpful... hang in there!
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