My mom emailed me, telling me she'd read
through my June blog posts, and asking me why all the self-blame re my
illness... her words -
"... why do you blame yourself for getting sick, for crappy doctors who
didn’t diagnose you?"
It's a good
question, so I thought about it, and here's what I realized -
1) My health
issues impact not just my life, but my husband Ron's, and my daughters' as
well, which is sad, lousy, etc., but that STILL doesn't make it my fault.
I would NEVER
wish my health problems - vestibular migraine, and a vision disorder - on
anyone, and sure as hell would never CHOOSE them for myself! The very idea is preposterous.
It's valid for
me to be angry - REALLY angry - that I didn't get diagnosed (and treated) fast
enough... It's valid for me to be incredibly frustrated about my limitations, and
really sad... I'll never know for sure how much better off I'd be if things had
been different, but I'm pretty sure I've paid a high price.
I need to OWN all
these feelings... but at some point I need to put all that emotional energy
into healing, doing the best I can with what I have NOW... that's what ALL my
therapists would want.
2) When I'm really
tired, or trying something a little bit different or new, my Anxiety gets triggered
- I'm more likely to go down my frustrated-which-turns-into-self-blaming, negative,
anxious, "uh oh, am I gonna have a set-back?" etc. road... the uh-oh,
set-back Anxiety/PTSD is never very far away...
So I need to breathe,
do the self calming sensory stuff that Joyce has taught me, think about
everything I've accomplished - what I've actually done THAT DAY, and keep
going... yes, keep going...
