Sometimes when
one of my therapists says "you've been working so hard" I feel a
prick of self-doubt... I've told myself that I don't need to be the perfect
rehab patient, but still - "have I worked hard? Could I have done better?"
Here's what I said
to myself -
"You're
human, fallible... you KNOW no rehab is a straight line... ALL of your online
friends have had bumps and twists and turns just like you... so have you done
the best you could with what you had at the time, MOST of the time?
Yes... and
here's the kicker - if you HAD had the perfect rehab experience, would you be
in a different place? maybe, but maybe
not... there's no way to know...
What you DO know
is that it's not accurate to say that you definitely would be in a better place
if you'd done a "better" job at rehab - whatever "better"
really means... AND it's not helpful...
What IS helpful
is the present moment, because that's what you know."
It's ALSO
helpful for me to realize
1) how incredibly
hard I can be on myself.
2) that the
depression I fell into made me feel like I could NOT do better, like
"what's the point?" which fed right into my Anxiety/PTSD.
Time for some
self-compassion... maybe coupled with the
clarity I'm gaining, and the work I'm actually doing, I'll see how far I CAN
go.
In the present,
I ALSO want to enjoy what I have now... pets and all.
