In 5 weeks my
daughters go back to college... I realized that part of my depression was about
not letting myself feel sadness, giving myself time and space to feel change...
I've been a mom for 23 years, and I'm really proud of my daughters - the
wonderful young adults they're becoming... I enjoy their company, and it's
exciting to see them discovering themselves.
I love being a
mom - even when it's difficult, I'm in my element... I'm also sad that they're
growing up... I miss them needing me the way they used to... I know they still
need me, but it's changed, changing, and change is hard... I was a stay-at-home
mom (I eventually worked part-time out of the house)... I don't really want to
hold them still in time, and yet I want to hold on to each moment. More change is coming, because that's part of
life.
So I've been
thinking about the concept of goals - and what is achievable for me. Given my disorders, I can't wait for an
opportunity to float out of the sky for me... I need to be proactive.
I'm interested
in advocacy - I've learned a lot about vestibular and vision disorders. I
talked a bit with Ann (VT), who's going to talk to Dr. Margolis (developmental
optometrist)... I also posted in the ambassador group on Facebook to Cassey,
our liaison with the vestibular disorders Association - VeDA, that I want to
talk to her.
I can't do -
both because of the vestibular and vision issues - a lot on the computer...
maybe I can continue to improve with phone conversations, and maybe I can somehow
work on in-person stuff.
I really don't
know what's realistic for me - energy/pacing, sensory stimulation, are just some
of what I need to take into consideration... I know from multiple experiences
I've had that my system is sensitive - I need to honor that, and I know that
stress makes people more vulnerable to illness.
I ALSO know I'm slowly getting stronger.
It can be hard
to figure out the difference between my PTSD Anxiety kicking in vs. real limitations,
but I think as I'm trying to do more, I'm starting to figure that out better. I also remind myself that the whole point of doing
my therapies is to improve the quality of my life.
So I want to let
myself feel, AND I want to try to figure out what social stuff I can work
towards. The feelers I put out to Ann,
and Cassey are good steps... I'm reaching out, and that's good. I'm proud of myself that I can acknowledge
that it's good.
