I started working with
my psychiatrist, Dr. Mirsky, two years ago. It took a couple months of being on
meds for me to realize I'd fallen into a deep depression. Recognizing my depression
was the first step to coming out of it.
I also realized I had
developed PTSD anxiety from the night I had gotten sick. Urged by Dr. Mirsky, I
began cognitive behavioral therapy with Christina.
This past weekend, for a
variety of reasons, was a hard one for me. When I try something, and it does
not work, at first my anxiety flares. When I pull back to regroup, it's very
easy to fall into depression.
Letting myself feel sad,
letting myself cry, is healthy. It's only when the crying is too frequent that
it's a problem.
Grieving for my losses
is important, but I don't want to get lost in the grief - when lonely images
start to populate my thinking, depression's setting in.
Managing all of my
invisible disorders – vestibular, visual, PTSD anxiety/depression, and irritable
bowel – is no easy task. Sometimes I really hate it. Setbacks are hard to
recover from, and chip away at my self-confidence.
When I draw, I try to
get caught up in the activity, not over think it. Take a color, put it to
paper, see what happens.
I discovered that the
list of activities of daily living - ADL - that I did with Christina could be
added to, which surprised me. I'm lucky to be able to do a lot of basic things
on my own. I also wrote up my own list of what I enjoy -
I don't want to dismiss
my difficult feelings - I need to let myself register ALL of that. But it's OK
to let go of them - I don't need to hold on to them. I need to also let myself
keep going.
