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I'm listening to The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories
of Personal Triumph from the Frontier's of Brain Science by Norman Doidge, M.D.
So far it is proving to be fascinating,
talking about the neuroplasticity of the brain.
Neuroplasticity has to do not just with brain retraining, but also with
the brain's ability to have a section of the brain take over the function of a
damaged part, thus the term "plasticity." I'm not trying to make that happen, since I
don't - fortunately - have brain damage, but the idea of the capacity of our
brains to repair, and in my case, relearn functions is amazing and
inspiring. That's what my Feldenkrais
Therapy (FT) and Vision Therapy (VT) are all about - relearning/retraining my
brain.
My friend David recently shared my post about getting
back to teaching flute, and these were his words of encouragement with his
share "...remember do not let
your vestibular disorder define who you are! Set goals and work on them slowly." I would add that I don't want to be defined
by my vision disorder either. I also got
a comment from a woman named Melanie, saying that the feedback she'd gotten
from a professional flutist and a neuropsychologist were that she couldn't
regain the ability to do the mental processing required, so she had to give up
the possibility of playing flute again.
Although I don't know what Melanie's diagnosis is, I encouraged her to
keep exploring, saying that the feedback she'd gotten might not, in fact, be
definitive.
I've seen articles about what music can do for the brain,
and I'm convinced that my flute playing helps me. I'm not saying everyone will become a
flutist, but I DO think that making music - and singing definitely counts
regardless of how good you are - has all kinds of benefits. Not just in the brain retraining area, but
for mood and cognitive function as well.
As I go through this experience, I find that there are elements of my
flute playing that apply to other activities as well. Computer - which is a nearly universal
activity at this point - is one that immediately comes to mind because it uses
a combination of visual and fine motor skills.
It is important not to be totally static, and to be mindful on the
computer, just like when I play my flute.
I believe SO strongly
that, as frustrating as it can be, it's important not to "let your fill-in-the-blank
disorder define who you are!" as David said. You may have to make some adjustments; I saw
the other day that a man was playing an autoharp instead of a guitar. I was told by some, when I had to completely
stop playing for about a year and a half, "well, you know you're not
alone, some musicians have to give up playing," and yes, I already knew
this. I don't know if the musicians who
stop explore all possible avenues, before they give up. I DO know that I have no plans to give up
playing my flute. Being able to play is,
in fact, one of the major motivators for me to do what I need to do to take
care of myself and improve as much as possible.
Everything in our bodies
is connected, and I have to be careful about muscle tension in other parts of
my body - like my neck or shoulders - impacting my hands, and therefore my
ability to play. I warm up my body with
gentle movement before I play, and I stop and take breaks during every session;
my playing sessions are currently about 10 minutes. I pay attention to my breathing, where I
place my music stand, and where my music is on the stand. I notice how I stand, or sit. Eventually, my new, healthier, more
functional habits will become more second nature, and I won't have to think
about it all quite so much - that's my plan.
But for now, I play very mindfully.
I watch flutists on
YouTube; what are they doing with their arms, torsos, wrists, hands,
fingers? Can I see how they're
breathing? Where are their music
stands? It's interesting to me that some
professionals are surprisingly static - probably one of the reasons that
musicians end up with troubles. I
listened recently to a demo video of a flutist talking about posture, and
noticed that she focused on position as if one's body should be completely
still when playing; it was all about head and mouth alignment. This is not unusual - I never had a flute
teacher talk to me about the fluidity of movement involved in playing the
flute. I did not hear about breathing
beyond thinking about breathing from my diaphragm. Good breathing is a start, but what about
being aware of how my chest is moving, how I'm holding my arms and whether or
not they are moving? How am I sitting, or standing, and how is my weight
shifting?
Again, I realize not
everyone is going to play the flute - or any instrument - but I mentioned
singing, for which this body awareness does matter. I also mentioned computer use, and breathing
and posture matters for that as well. Another
common activity for which all this is important is walking. Freedom of movement allows for much better
balance; this is why it's easier to keep one's balance in motion, than standing
still. Walking is what I think of as a gentle,
twisting movement. It's not just your
arms and legs, moving crosswise - meaning left arm going back and forth as
right leg goes forward, then right arm doing the same as left leg goes
forward. Your entire torso - shoulders,
hips, etc. - are in motion, which of course means your spine is rotating. When something doesn't move well, problems
arise. So I always think that all my
activities impact one another.
I find there's a
difference between how I play - and therefore how I feel - if I'm playing
"free form" vs. if I'm playing from memory vs. playing off of sheet
music I'm reading. The cognitive
processing is somewhat different for each of these modes of playing. My perceptual field changes when I wear my
glasses while playing because, to quote Dr. Hellerstein as seen on FB,
"vision is seeing, processing and responding to visual information." So when I wear my reading glasses, I am
mixing the cognitive process of making music, with all that changes when my
vision is impacted by glasses.
When I play my flute, I try for balance between cognitive attention
to music and cognitive attention to my body, AND just letting it happen and not
over-thinking the entire process. Playing
free form helps me achieve this balance.
Sometimes when I play free-form I'm surprised when I play a note because
I was imagining a different tone than what I produced, and then I go with
whatever I actually played. I have no
idea what the "rules" are for improv or jazz because I never learned
them in the first place, and am not interested in learning them now. When I play free form, it's like my fingers
just move through notes - the fingerings are in my hands with years of muscle
memory.
I'd already sometimes brought my flute to FT sessions, and
I now sometimes bring my glasses and sheet music as well. Joyce has a music stand (she works out of her
house), and so I can replicate what I do at home. It's fine - probably even good - that the
tools are the same as in my own home, but the setting isn't identical. I do FT movements with my reading glasses on,
and move my flute with my eyes closed, both of which are a very different
experience for me. I don't think I'll
bring my flute to VT, but I DO bring sheet music (to read on a music stand or
similar item) because, again, I want to work with my actual tools. My brain pays more attention to the
differences, I think, being in a different environment - it changes things up
more. It's tiring, but it will get
better.
It would be easy for me to get caught up in frustrations
about how things have changed for me.
The reality is that change is a part of life; I had changes I wasn't
expecting, but I think that happens more than we admit. I also took things for granted before, things
that I never even thought about. That's
both good and bad - I think being more thoughtful, more aware, and more
outspoken about invisible disorders is good.
I've said that my major goal is to get back to teaching flute. An even larger goal is for some things to
become more second nature for me again.
I believe this is happening, and will continue to happen more over time. I'm very grateful that more is being
discovered about the brain; how it works and how to retrain it. I gain more confidence as I continue my
journey, putting more pieces together, to play and teach and share my flute music.
