I've been thinking about my goals - what I'm working
towards - and actual game plans right now.
Even though not doing the work - not doing the rehab homework - is
tempting sometimes, I know if I don't put in the effort towards my goals, in
the end that would leave me very frustrated.
This got me thinking about words that I've used, seen, and heard a lot: "limitation,"
and "challenge," or "challenging." I decided to look them up on Dictionary.com.
These are some of the definitions I found:
Limitation -
Restrictive weakness, lack of capacity, inability or
handicap
Difficulty in a job, or undertaking
Challenge -
a call or summons to engage in any contest, as of skill
or strength
a call to battle
Interestingly, the word "challenging" has a very different definition, and is
more of a pairing with "limitation" - "challenging" is "offering a challenge, testing
one's ability, endurance".
When I look at all these definitions, the ones that jump
out at me are "lack of capacity" for limitation, and "testing
one's ability, endurance" for challenging.
Lack of capacity means capacity simply isn't there, and I think
sometimes for some disorders, that's accurate.
If you don't have the use of a body part (like a leg), that really does
qualify as a lack of capacity. However, I think in a lot of situations, this
definition of limitation is a bad, outdated one. There's lots of gray areas with a lot of
disorders, many times when I think using the word "diminished" instead
of "lack" of capacity would be much better. Standing, sitting and walking are different
for me than they used to be. My ability
to balance myself isn't, and was never completely GONE; I AM able to walk, to
sit, to stand.
The phrase "call to battle" for challenge
surprised me, because battle is a strong word.
But in a way, it makes sense. I
think of a call to battle as marshalling the forces, which to me (in terms of
my invisible disorders) means gathering up tools, and using those tools to
succeed. In my case, and hopefully those
of others, tools can be diet, various therapies, coping mechanisms - basically
anything that you use to help you to be successful. And I definitely think the word challenging
is very fitting... your abilities and endurance can be tested, even pushed to
the limit.
So there's that word again - limit. The real issue to me is figuring out when, or
if, a limitation really is a stop sign.
When does a limitation require a work around, or acknowledging that
something can't be done, and when does it not? More
importantly, when does a limitation push you to challenge yourself, to say
"OK, what tools can I use to move through this?"
That question brings to mind the following quote from
Michael J Fox - if you haven't read his autobiography "Lucky Man," I
highly recommend it.
"Acceptance
does not mean resignation. It means
understanding that something is what it is, and there's got to be a way through
it."
I thought about the quote in terms of how I live my
life. For me, this quote means that you
don't deny the reality of your situation, but you don't give in to it
either. Saying that there's "a way
through it" doesn't mean that you cast aside or ignore your problem. But you keep moving through life with it, figure
out how to still achieve your goals. I
didn't know what limitations I would end up with - none of us ever knows that. I did sometimes wonder if my Reactive
Hypoglycemia would morph into Diabetes.
Instead, I ended up with Migraine Associated Vertigo (MAV) and
pronounced Convergence Insufficiency (CI) with complications,
invisible disorders I'd never thought about or heard of before.
I've talked a lot about my Feldenkrais and vision
therapies, and my therapists, that I'm grateful to work with good people and to
be making progress. Even with my
therapies, I think there's a good chance that I will always have SOME degree of
limitations. I don't think that saying
that I'll have limitations, even with all the work I'm doing in my therapies,
is "throwing in the towel."
I'm NOT saying exactly what my limitations ultimately will be, that I'm
done putting in effort to improve. Everyone
has limitations; maybe mine came a bit sooner than I was expecting, and
particularly regarding my vision disorder, not necessarily what I was expecting.
The other side of some degree of limitation, is challenging
myself now, in the present. The choices
I make, the small - sometimes very small - goals I set in order to achieve
bigger goals. This is why rehab is such
an integral part of my life. I talk to
my therapists about my goals, and then we take things apart, break down the
goals to decide what the pieces are that I need to achieve and how I can
achieve them. I also want to say that I
realize not everyone reading this has the answers they need, and/or the
treatment they need. I am always hopeful
that that will change for those people, and I hope that sharing what I learn
along the way is helpful.
I don't know if this will always be the case, but I've
learned that right now, if I don't expose myself to something frequently
enough, it feels like I have to re-learn it when I do it again. When I attend a large event - and large to me
is really anything that more than a dozen people attend - it's challenging for
me. I am pushing my current abilities to
handle noise, lots of people moving around, etc. But being able to go to social events, be
around people, is important to me. So I
went to the Confirmation class Shabbat service, and the last day of Sunday
School. I plan what I can, use coping
skills I've learned, and these events push my level of endurance. Attending events like these is tiring; I do
what socializing I can, and then I need to go.
Sometimes doing something pretty ordinary can be
challenging for me now. I planted some
flowers in flower pots recently, with the help of my daughters. I took breaks, and by the time I was done I
knew I'd pushed myself. In terms of
balance and visuals, it was difficult. I
knew it would be, but I decided I wanted to participate, and I love looking at
flowers, especially after the dreariness of winter.
These are just two examples; there are choices I make all
the time. I remember that there are
certain things that build on other things.... this is where being able to talk
to my therapists is really helpful. My list
of major goals - like socializing, and teaching flute again - isn't a long
one. I need to keep it manageable, and
that only happens if my list is short, because there are a lot of pieces
required to complete my picture.
Sometimes my picture feels much more like a puzzle, than a coherent
whole. I think of too many things I want
to work on, too many pieces. So then I
need to step back and say "OK, one small step at a time." And eventually - I don't really have a
timetable - I can add something.
