September 9, 2021 - One decade... be present.

It’s been a decade since I got sick. I didn’t know then, that night, that my life was dramatically changed. I’ve done therapies, and they’ve...

January 14th, 2018 Speaking my truth; the depth of my loss...

An e-mail from my mother encouraged these words to spill out of me, and I decided to share them...
I don't know if I could have performed after recovery from my hand surgeries, but I could have given private flute lessons... getting sick changed that... teaching - which I loved - along with a number of other large goals, now seems unlikely...

I love the sound of the flute, and I don't want to stop playing, but I desperately miss picking up sheet music and playing, particularly with other musicians...

I will always be a mom, but my daughters are growing up and will find their own way - as they should - and need me less... I love them, I'm proud of them, but still I want it to be otherwise, because *I* am not moving on as I envisioned... and in reality, I can talk with them, but am very limited in terms of what I can DO with them...

I'm also very limited in what I can DO with my husband...

This is all very painful.... I don't feel bitter - that word just doesn't fit - but I DO feel angry and incredibly sad...

I hope with every fiber of my being that doing artistic stuff will not only help, but be satisfying - not just a time filler.... there's nothing I do that feels good that takes a great deal of time... due to pacing, it can't...

When my current therapist first said to me "getting sick was life altering for you..." I'd never heard that before... since then I've thought, "yeah, yeah, let's move on... I don't want to go there..." but it's TRUE...


I don't want false promises about what I'll be able to do... getting sick was a devastating blow... I KNOW I need to create some kind of life... but I ALSO need to feel - even on meds, and CBT -  the depth of my loss.....

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2 Responses to January 14th, 2018 Speaking my truth; the depth of my loss...

  1. Ours is a disenfranchised grief. Other people, including doctors, family and friends, minimise our experiences - they say things like "at least it's nothing serious" or "stop being negative". They make us feel shame and guilt for reflecting upon or mourning our losses. They don't even see them as losses, especially the intangible ones like the career and/or family we couldn't have because of our ill health. So we learn to hide our feelings. But they don't go away: they simply fester and eat away at our spirit and our soul.

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