NOTE: Please copy and paste into Google Translate to
listen if needed.
I struggle with how I feel about pacing. Pacing reminds me of my disorders; it's GOOD
for everyone to pace themselves, but for me it's a MUST. I realize that everyone has to take breaks,
and some people are better about it than others. The difference is how frequently I need to
take breaks, and what I actually DO when I take a break. I don't, for example, sit down for a cup of
tea at a Starbucks, or at home for that matter, and read a book or catch up on
the news either online or in a newspaper.
And I don't think most people take breaks as frequently as I do.
For me taking a break during any given day might be getting
up and literally pacing around a bit, getting myself moving. It might be switching activities - doing
something less challenging than whatever I was doing. Taking a break may also mean sitting quietly,
doing some Feldenkrais movements, or relaxing breathing and doing nothing. On a good day, my breaks of sitting quietly
are anywhere from five - 15 minutes. If
I'm in need of a longer break, whether because I'm having a tough time, or
because I've done something more demanding, I chill out for longer. I try very hard to only actually lay down for
my daily nap.
Regardless of what I do, pacing is a necessity for me - this
has become much more clear to me recently.
Based on what I just described, pacing isn't a complicated concept for
me, but it's difficult to actually make myself DO. So I asked myself WHY it's difficult - I mean
in addition to the fact that it reminds me of my disorders.
Besides the overall reminder of my disorders, pacing
involves a lot of self-discipline. For
me pacing is about what I do during any given day, and making sure I take
breaks. I have to stop, even if I don't
feel like I'm in an ideal place to stop whatever I'm doing. It's aggravating, but definitely
necessary.
Pacing is also about looking at what I've got planned for
a coming week, and making sure I have days that do not include an outing. Going out is good, and I need to make sure if
I stay home that I vary my activities, but going out too much isn't good.
I have to prioritize.
What needs to get done now, or today, and what can wait? I want to feel productive, so I have to
plan. Prioritizing also means I have to
think about my responsibilities to others, what I need to do to take care of
myself, and what I want to do that I actually enjoy. I may watch a video of
some kind, and then depending on what I watch, take a break or do something
else.
All of this means that I feel like I'm constantly making
choices. I'm constantly thinking about
the cost vs. the benefit, always thinking about trade-offs. I have to think about what demands something
puts on me, if/how it challenges me, and what I can manage. There are always things I can't do, things
that if my situation were different, I WOULD do. At those times, I try really hard to focus on
what I WAS able to do.
I've said before, my combo of disorders is unusual, and
there's no rehab blueprint to follow.
Fortunately, I feel I can trust Joyce and Ann, and Dr. Margolis - who
all have the experience, skills and creativity needed to help me figure things
out. Joyce pointed out that I'm doing
much more at home than I could have a few months ago, and I know what she's
giving me to do is specifically geared to what's going on with ME right
now. I'm very fortunate to have all of
them working with me.
I think all of these elements - self-discipline,
prioritization, making choices - of my life are part of being an adult, but for
me they are magnified or intensified. I
don't have much wiggle room, and that doesn't feel normal. It's not the lifestyle of a healthy adult. I don't like that - it's a drag. So why bother doing it? I mean, beyond not wanting to feel lousy, what's
the positive side?
I think the "why" of it all - beyond not
feeling lousy and still being able to do SOME things - is that doing what's
involved in pacing is part of the key to any forward movement I want to
achieve. Pacing doesn't feel like a
positive to me, but acknowledging that I need to pace myself is what allows me
to do things. And I've noticed that
pacing in some ways is about being mindful, self-aware, and trying to live in
the moment. None of that is bad.
