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I've been listening to a full John Denver
concert I discovered on YouTube that goes back to 1995, two years before he
died. It's long, so I have to listen in
bits, but it's a wonderful concert., mixed in with bits of an interview of
his. I'd forgotten what a talented
musician he was - singer, songwriter and
performer. It's really sad that he died
young, and a bit strange that he was one year younger than I am now.
His music feels familiar, and brings me back
to when I was in my 20's and listened to him a lot - I think I went to a
concert of his once at the Chicago Theatre.
There's a line in one of the songs "...and the moon and the stars
are the same ones I see, it's the same old sun up in the sky...". Sitting listening to the music, I had an
image of myself in my 20's, and then in 2011 before I got sick, looking at the
same sun, moon and stars that I look at now, and my emotions welled up in me.
Rehab is all about making progress, but there
needs to be room for mourning as well.
For grieving for the possibilities that were open to me in my 20's, and
a few years ago, some of which right now are not. Just like any other grieving process, I can't
move forward if I don't let myself feel sad.
It hurts, it's painful how my
life has changed. There's a tremendous
sadness and I need to let that BE. I
need to give it space and time and feel it in the present. I don't know how else I can move on, and give
room for whatever my life is now, with wherever I end up with my disorders.
So I let the tears flow, and let the feelings
fill me up. I really believe that that's
how I'm able to move forward, by feeling this pain, sadness. I'm not giving up on myself, and I know no
one else is either, but these feelings are REAL and as much a part of the
process of my rehab as anything else is.
Some of how I've changed is good... I'm a
better listener, there are things I understand that I didn't before, I think I
have compassion and empathy - real empathy, rather than sympathy - now. And I noticed that after I shed the tears, I
actually felt peaceful. I feel like
owning the feelings, and then letting go of them, allows me to feel the possibility
of moving forward with my rehab, wherever it takes me.
