I was posting
something positive on my Visible Person, Invisible Problem FB page - the public
page I have for this blog - and I had an "Uh oh" feeling... I
realized this has happened before, and the thought that floated through my head
was
"wait, if I
post positive stuff, will people think my life's easy? will they understand
what it's like living with my disorders?".
I had a hunch I
was onto something, and my next thought was -
"well, the
name of the page is Visible Person, Invisible Problem, and my pic shows me with
my tinted glasses...".
Then I thought
"actually, people don't really fully get what they don't experience..."
- this used to really frustrate me, but I now realize we're ALL that way... we
can try to imagine, empathize, but it's not the same thing as living an
experience, and that's OK.
I felt like
there was more going on, and here's what came next - "is this really about
other people, or me? My PTSD Anxiety throws in the negative thinking, saying "hold
up, you can't try stuff, you can't focus on anything positive, that's risky...
nope, I'm gonna rain on your parade...".
But really?? I
mean, it's been nearly 7 years since I got sick, so exactly WHEN am I supposed
to let myself have a good moment? I
realized I've gotten used to, familiar with feeling bad, so feeling good,
positive feels oddly strange... in fact, writing and posting this piece, showed
me just how ingrained my negative thinking has become.
I can
ALWAYS find frustrations and challenges
if I look, but it's time for a different perspective - so I thought "OK
PTSD Anxiety, here's the deal - I have loved ones who have Bipolar Disorder,
and Anxiety, and I know now that I have you, just like I have vestibular and
vision disorders".
I've said to
myself "they have a mental illness, but it's not who they are"... I want
to take that approach with MYSELF... there has to be more to life than feeling
bad about stuff so much... it's time for a paradigm shift in thinking - time to
choose, REALLY choose positive.
Thinking this way feels hard - I've gotten very
used to, in recent years, feeling bad....
taking credit, noticing, FEELING the positive is challenging, oddly scary and uncomfortable.
It's change... I want to get used to this choice. I want to give my brain, my neurological self
positive vibes... bit by bit, I need positivity to grow.
