September 9, 2021 - One decade... be present.

It’s been a decade since I got sick. I didn’t know then, that night, that my life was dramatically changed. I’ve done therapies, and they’ve...

June 29th, 2018 A conversation with myself - what/how I'm doing NOW...

By | Published Friday, June 29, 2018


The July 4th holiday got me thinking, and I decided to share this -

I've told myself not to compare myself to others, and that I miss things I used to do, but it suddenly hit me - I compare myself to MYSELF... wow, this is so unfair to myself - I got sick, which really and truly was NOT, and never will be my fault.

SO, how am I doing, given my vertiginous migraine and vision disorders, and my Anxiety/PTSD - I've done SOMETHING on every single one of my worst days, and on my good days, yes, I'm definitely functional...
"that's a BIG deal, Tamar... stop punishing yourself for what you can't do... you DO:
laundry, grocery lists, put away groceries, empty and fill the dishwasher, wash pots, clean litter boxes, feed pets, water houseplants, cook a LOT, a few other random household tasks... 
AND play your flute a few minutes each day, colored pencil drawings, write, play the piano keyboard, walk the dog with Ron every day, post on your blog site FB page, listen to audio books... AND you're working in your therapies to improve..."

"yes, you need help with some things, and yes, there's a lot you don't do anymore, but look at all you DO do...AND you're trying really hard to work on your Anxiety/PTSD so you can do more... that IS doing your best... enough with the negative crap...".

I need to let myself off the hook... self-blame's a nasty bugger that apparently runs deep - distorted thinking of a truly rotten kind. And if I do? Then I say,
"OK, this thing happened - I got sick, and I'm gonna do the best I can with what I have today, including moving forward as much as is possible...".

Writing this piece made me realize
1) how repetitive my thoughts are when I ruminate, and
2) how negative my thinking gets

About July 4th - Ron and I will look at the flower show at the Park district, and if I'm up to it, we'll walk around the booths for a few minutes, before he takes me home.





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June 27th, 2018 On my journey, the one thing I know...

By | Published Wednesday, June 27, 2018


It's painful to remember... I miss the congregation choir... playing in a band... playing duets with friends... giving flute lessons... going to movies... family vacations... so many things I took for granted... Yes, I've learned not to take anything I have, that *I* feel is worth having, for granted...

My disorders have been thieves... PTSD is a thief - it wants to keep me STUCK... I want to know how far I can go... I want to know how much I can improve... what my stamina, endurance, energy level will be... will it eventually be more than it is now?  I don't know... no one does...

When I think about energy, and basic vestibular and vision skills, I often think about driving - a demanding, multi-sensory processing task... and I always come back to the same thought - "I don't want to get somewhere, and not be able to DO once I'm wherever "there" is..." I can't imagine having the capacity to do BOTH - driving safely and responsibly, AND doing... I remember once telling someone in the first month of my illness "well, I can't be driven everywhere..." - actually, yes, I can...  I'd rather be driven somewhere, and then be able to DO.

How far will my skills, my energy, my total capacity improve?? What can I do with drawing, my flute, my writing?? Is there something I haven't found out yet, that will be meaningful? 

I need to find out... trying is hard, anxiety provoking, effortful, sometimes exhausting...  some things won't work, but I remind myself that some things might, and that's good, and I have to find out. That's the ONE thing I DO know - that I have to find out. On my own timetable, with Christina's help. Otherwise, my migraine and vision disorders, and PTSD thieves are calling ALL the shots, and I can't let that happen.

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June 21st, 2018 Letting go leaves room for possibility....

By | Published Friday, June 22, 2018


This may sound strange, but I decided to make a list of the big things it's unlikely I'll do again -

1) go to a movie in a movie theatre -
way too much sensory stimulation

2) go to a concert with my family - the kind with lights, etc. - ditto #1

3) travel - WAY too complicated

4) give private flute lessons - complex  - integrating a LOT of different elements - reading/playing sheet music, writing on sheet music, listening carefully in order to give feedback, looking back and forth between my student and the music

5) drive - very complex -possibly could literally operate a car, but add in everything I'd need to pay attention to in order to be a safe, responsible driver - the last time I drove was taking my daughters to and from a doctor appointment in Oct. 2011.

So, there's my list... it's actually easier to see it in front of me in words, it's surprisingly benign... clearing away unlikely goals leaves me asking - "OK, so what am I going to try, or maybe build on (i.e. drawing, writing)?"... I don't know... I'll have to experiment... what gives me a sense of accomplishment, adds quality to my life...


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