Focusing on things other
than my disorders is helpful; I get enough reminders throughout my day of my
disorders. I wrote about my big music goal, which is just that - a goal, not a
guarantee. In my day to day life,
there's only so much I can do on any given day that moves me towards this
goal. In the meantime, there's this
thing called my life. My life right now.
I had a session with a
potential new mental health therapist recently, and surprised myself at how emotional
I got. My tears flowed, talking about
everything that's happened to me in recent years. In part, I think I felt comfortable enough to
share, but it also made me realize that I'm not done processing what happened
to me. How much my life has
changed. There is power in the spoken
word, and though I'm used to telling people my diagnoses, I'm not in the habit
of telling them what happened to me.
Giving voice to that in a safe place, is powerful, and hopefully will be
healing. I finished the session saying "I
guess I'm trying to rebuild my life."
In truth, this is about more than music.
It's about social life, about DOING things, beyond the internet.
I don't, fortunately,
suffer from migraines every day. That's
not, however, by accident. It's because
of how I live my life. Avoiding my
multiple food triggers, noisy places, bright lights, and pacing myself make a
big difference. This means my life has
very distinct limitations. I live with
these limitations because I HATE migraines.
I cannot tolerate them. Migraines
are not regular headaches. For me, they
are a unique, debilitating kind of pain that makes it so that processing
anything - thinking - becomes incredibly difficult.
There are all kinds of
visual issues for me as well, so I don't go to movies, and rarely go to
restaurants. Venues or events with a lot
of people are challenging for me. Ron
(my husband) deals with all kinds of paper work tasks because of my vision disorder. I am working hard in vision therapy, and have
made progress. I know that. But this recovery of mine, in a sense of my self
- my life - is not an easy journey.
So, as I think about
music, I also think about the overall picture of my life. What I fill it with NOW. With the exception of writing, my creative
outlets are only a few minutes out of my day.
Meaningful, and important, yes.
Preferable to focusing on my disorders?
Definitely. But social life, life
beyond the internet, that's really the other significant piece I want. I am very grateful for all the positives the
internet offers me, and for technology like audio on Google Translate for
listening, and Dragon Naturally Speaking for using my computer. It is not, however, enough. I need to be able to go out more.
Social connections have
lots of well-researched health benefits, but honestly I don't think the
research is entirely necessary. To me,
it's obvious. Going out can be really
challenging; my system has to work much harder, especially in new
surroundings. Currently, I can't do more
than one outing in a day, going out in the morning the day after an evening out
isn't something I do unless I REALLY have to, and going out four days in a row
(even if the outings are in the morning) is difficult. I need to talk to Joyce and Ann about this,
because MY thinking is that somehow building up stamina (difficult to do) is
one of the keys to increasing my social activity.
My overall frustration
with all of this is that none of it happens quickly. It all takes effort. Time.
Which means that in the meantime, I try to do my home therapy mindfully,
in the present, so my brain learns. My
body, my self. I go about my days, and
remember what I wrote a while back, about appreciating good things, positive
moments, even if small. Like snuggling
my cat or dog, hugging Ron. Noticing the
beautiful Spring flowers. Listening to beautiful music. Our family belonging to a wonderful congregation,
which is actually not a small thing. I've got to mindfully focus on the
positive.
